These words are my diary screaming out loud

Friday, July 28, 2006

I'm free.

Three weeks have passed since we last spoke
Love is suppose to be forever, so please explain to me
Why am I numb now?
Why don't I care about you?
Why do you not care about me?
Why has love turned to hate?
And jealousy into apathy
Love doesn't last
And neither do you
You were my angel that I'd been waiting for
Or so I was lured into believing
Tears and broken fragments of my heart
The fallen angel consumed me.
I gave into sin for the one I loved
And now you don't care, or so you pretend
Tell me darling, do you hate me?
Or do you love me?
Are you acting so apathetic
Only to embrace her body?
Self respect and morals are what I'm made of
But I guess everyone was right from the start
I'm too good for you
Congratulations darling
You've found someone you deserve
And who deserves you
And now I stand alone under the empty sky.
No longer suppressing a constant cry.
You're gone and now I'm free.
We're no longer how we used to be

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Hold onto me and never let me go

It hurts to know that you mean nothing to the people who used to matter so much to you. I'm tired of getting close to people, and then having them simply drop me out of their life.. only talking to me when they need me. It's funny how I can be so amazed by someone... their individuality.. their mind.. their sense of independence.. and then they stop caring about me. They stop bothering to call. They stop giving a shit. Friendships with boys are just like relationships with them. They lead you on and lift you higher, only to make you face a greater fall. It's somewhat hypocritical of me to say this, since I've done it once or twice, but it was always only a phase... And they never cared about me this much. *sigh*

I wish I knew how to play the guitar. I think I'm going to learn. :)


I wish I was happy with who I am.
I wish I weighed about 70 pounds less.
I wish I was able to live up to my parents' expectations.
I wish my dad cared more about his family's feelings.
I wish I knew where my life was going.
I wish I wasn't such a let down for people.
I wish I wasn't such a let down for myself.
I wish I was more confident.
I wish I didn't hate the way I look.
I wish I didn't procastrinate so much.
I wish I went to church more often.
I wish my friends were more happier with who they are.
I wish I was a nicer person.
I wish I wasn't made of so many mistakes to make a wish list this long.

Don't blame it on the same old songs

Every night she falls asleep making up guys in her head. An illusion of perfection. An artistic guy, a rebellious guy, a religious guy, an honest guy, and some nights a combination of them all. She wants to know what it's like to be cared about. She wants to know she can actually trust someone. She wants to be able to trust someone and be cared about and knowing it's true. She wants to be able to have faith in people again. She wants to be able to relate to love songs, romance movies, romance novels. She's sick and tired of only being able to remember pain out of the past two years of her life.
And yet, she doesn't want any of this at all. She's tired of counting on someone, of leaning on someone, of using someone as a guidance throughout her life. She wants to be alone. She needs to get over her habitual emotions. She wants to be able to put a smile on her own face.